Just a friend?

My mind has been flooded with so many questions regarding relationships. I have employed balance to be the important factor in all aspects of life but find that I have never been able to extend this philosophy to relationships. When I speak of relationships, I am referring to be connection or report with another human being, outside of my family. I consider family relationships to be a far more complex and subscribe to an entirely different set of regulations. I am specially talking about romantic and friendly relationships.

I have frequently extended myself beyond the metaphorical halfway point within interpersonal bonds, and eventually give far more than I receive. My desire to keep people around me has acted as a hindrance in my journey to self actualization. So, what to do? Stay away from all people? As unrealistic as that is, I would find it especially hard seeing as I am an extrovert, and have a great potential to gain positive energy from human interaction.    

I have expressed my desire for strong and healthy new relationships in my adult life. My adult life began with a swift slap of reality, and has been a lonely journey. I have left everything and everyone I know to pursue the credentials to positively influence this crazy mixed up world. My new experiences are filled with confusion and masses of grey area. My attempt for companionship has rendered my isolated and confused. There seems to be a new set of social rules at play, in which all people are disposable and easily forgotten.

I find myself constantly, “putting myself out there”, with no return on my awkward investment. I am twenty-three and have been unable to have a healthy romantic relationship and have made a few acquaintances on this journey. To clarify, I have wonderful friends, but the distance between us is far. I would love to forge a wonderful existence for myself, but have had little luck.

In an effort to not be alone, I have crossed my own boundaries. I have betrayed myself and an already damaged relationship, and I am still alone. Jill Scott sings my heartsong, and tries to paint a wonderful portrait of “one [being] a magic number”, but I am yet to feel completely secure in my solitude. I genuinely long for another soul to brave this cold world with. I would love a friend to eat lunch with or go into the city.

I long for the day when I can make a new friend, or develop an inside joke. I consider this writing to be a manifestation of my desire for friendship written and published to the universe. May my heart’s desire for an honest and loving friend become a new facet to my new life.

“I am a soul whose intentions are good. Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood.”-Nina Simone